With the high divorce rate, too many are apparently making
a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life
with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10
insights.
No :1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if
you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get
married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect
people to change after their married... for the worst!" So when it
comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal
hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live
with these as they are now.
No:2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning.
Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome.
"I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but
have you carefully checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is
more important than personal comfort? Do I want to be more like this
person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How
does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do
volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says
s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like hims! elf? Does s/he enjoy life? Is
s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person?
Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to
turn out like him or her?
No: 3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not,
it is the man who just doesn't "get it." . The unique need of a woman is
to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her
husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality
attention.
No: 4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another
person:
1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life
goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow
together or grow apart.
To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for,"
while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same
conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal
mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of
life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and
goals.
No: 5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly.
Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big
problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of
important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a
clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.
Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a
main factor. It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to
find out if a couple is sexually compatible. If you do your homework
and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you
don't have to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies
done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never c! ited as a main
reason why people divorce.
No: 6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not,
ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I
impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not
respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed
by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she
emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
No: 7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and
relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself!
with this person?
Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really
close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person
you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you
need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other
person will view it.
If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly,
there's a problem with the relationship. Be on the look out for someone who
is always trying to change you. Another aspect of feeling safe is that
you don't feel the other person is trying to control you.
Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for
someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference
between "controlling" and "making suggestions. " A suggestion is made
for your benef! it; a control statement is made for their benefit.
No: 8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up
for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way
to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work
together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably
arise.
You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you
resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of
you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is
also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this
person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go
hand in hand.
No: 9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and
married, too.
Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems.
If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with
yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you
are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank
you.
No: 10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on
someone or something else while trying to develop another
relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents
is the classic example of triangulation.
People can also be triangulated
with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports
or money. Be careful that you and ! your partner are free of triangles.
The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available
to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis
for a marriage.
