Dear Blog,
My early experience with men took place when I was still in my early level of college. I was still around 19-20 at that time. And, like some of my gals friends at that time, I pretended to be more than I really did know about intimacy, like kissing, touching of even getting laid. Most of my gals friends did that for you might be surprise to know that. At that time, maybe coz I was still stupid young woman who always felt to be more competent and experience than my gals were. In fact, I was not experienced at all. Even, no man had ever kissed myself at that time.
As I also remember around that time, I could not turn to anyone for guidance. To talk with my parents became a very humiliating subject. And so I lied. I lied to the gals with about my experience, I lied to my male friends about the same thing, and the worst was I also lied to myself about whether I was ready.
I am not sure why, but I think it's in the nature of human that sometimes we have to pretend we know everything. If there's something we don't know, we try to fake it. But that does not work well at all, especially when you find someone you love. When you want to find out what feels good, it's a lot more helpful to admit ignorance than to pretend to know.
Perhaps, admitting the ignorance to yourself or maybe to your closest someone could be the beginning of something wonderful. Maybe it can be beginning to learn about what feels good physically and emotionally. Maybe, I could learn about sex, love, life and fear. Maybe, finally I could learn more about myself.
"Confusion is like fertilizer. It feels like crap when it happens, but nothing grows without it."
