Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like laughing with you or sharing stories for each other, and then you suddenly realize that your life isn't the same anymore, is not your only own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
I try to talk to him, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid he does not want me to say anything, or worse, he does not want me to be near him, like he is ignoring me this time. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out, eagerly to tell him how I feel-like how I miss him despite my broken heart and how I need him in my life especially coz I just got used to have him to share stories. But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside him too... but I'll never know.
Though it seems impossible, though he thinks I might be joking, though I could not tell him the reason behind….I would keep saying like I did ever said to him that Yes I think I do have that kind of feeling for him. But I know he will keep thinking that I am crazy, stupid or even naive to say that. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him goes so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll realize that and change his mind.
As I look back on all that's happened as I look back on those days, I realize the past may be gone forever and whatever the future holds, our today makes the memories of tomorrow. I am just hoping that he'll always carry my smile with him, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.
People so seldom say I love you, and then it's either too late or love goes. So when I tell him I love him, it doesn't mean I know he'll never go, only that I wish he didn't have to.
I find very hard it is to lose something that I used to have, just because I did mistake to say openly my feeling to him. To be frank with him. If I could turn back time, I will never do that stupid mistake again :(.
